Emotional Abuse or Normal Conflict?

If you are in danger right now, call SAPS on 10111 or the GBV Command Centre on 0800 428 428, free, any time.

You might be asking yourself whether you are overreacting. Every couple argues, so how do you know when it has become something else? Asking this question is a sign that something feels wrong, and that feeling deserves to be taken seriously.

What is happening

In normal conflict, both people can disagree, get upset and then repair. Neither person is afraid of the other. Both can say no, see friends, have their own money and their own opinions.

Emotional abuse is a pattern where one person uses words, threats, money or isolation to control the other. It includes constant criticism and humiliation, gaslighting (making you doubt your memory or sanity), threats to leave with the children, to hurt you, themselves or a pet, monitoring your phone and movements, cutting you off from family and friends, and controlling money. It often gets worse over time and can lead to physical violence.

South African law recognises this. The Domestic Violence Act covers emotional, verbal, psychological and economic abuse, not only physical violence. You can apply for a protection order at a magistrate's court. It is free, you do not need an attorney, and it can cover a spouse, partner, ex-partner or family member you live with or have lived with.

Signs to notice

• You feel afraid of your partner's moods and change your behaviour to avoid them.
• You are regularly called names, mocked or told you are worthless.
• Your phone, money or movements are checked or controlled.
• You have been cut off from family or friends, bit by bit.
• You are told your memory is wrong so often that you doubt yourself.
• Threats are made about the children, your safety, or theirs.

30-second self-check

Answer yes or no. Go with your first honest answer.

• Do I feel afraid of my partner, even sometimes?
• Am I stopped from seeing friends or family, or punished when I do?
• Does my partner control the money, or take mine?
• Am I often told I am stupid, ugly, useless or mad?
• Has my partner threatened me, the children, or to harm themselves if I leave?
• Do I have to account for where I am and who I talk to?
• Has my partner ever pushed, grabbed, choked or hit me?

0-1 yes: This sounds more like difficult conflict than abuse. Still trust your feelings, and keep reading if something feels off.
2-3 yes: There are signs of control that should not be ignored. Talk to someone you trust or a counsellor about what is happening.
4 or more yes: What you describe may be emotional abuse. This is not your fault and help is available. If you answered yes to choking or being hit, your risk of serious harm is higher: please speak to the GBV Command Centre on 0800 428 428 soon.

What you can do next

• Today: Write down what has happened, with dates, and keep it somewhere your partner cannot find it, or with someone you trust. Save important numbers under a safe name.
• This week: Tell one trusted person what is going on. Think about a safety plan: where you could go, what you would take (ID, children's birth certificates, medication, some cash), and who you would call.
• This month: Speak to a social worker, counsellor or the GBV Command Centre about your options, including a protection order. You do not have to leave to get help, and you do not have to decide everything at once.

Your tool

Relationship Health Check - gives you a private view of what is happening in your relationship and, if needed, shows you safety resources straight away.

When to get professional help

Get help now if you feel afraid, if there have been threats, or if there has been any physical violence, strangling or forced sex. Couples counselling is usually not recommended where there is abuse, because it can increase danger. Individual support and specialised GBV services are safer.
Who can help: Emergency services, GBV shelter or NGO, social worker, psychologist, Legal Aid SA, family attorney

Getting help in South Africa

The GBV Command Centre on 0800 428 428 is free and open 24 hours, and can link you to social workers, shelters and police. SAPS on 10111, or 112 from a mobile, in an emergency. Any magistrate's court can help you apply for a protection order under the Domestic Violence Act, and Legal Aid SA (legal-aid.co.za) may assist if you qualify. Thuthuzela Care Centres support survivors of sexual violence. The Cleared Mind 24-hour Careline on 0800 212 146 offers confidential counselling. If a child is affected, Childline on 116 is free.