Talking to a mate who is struggling

Noticing that a friend isn't okay is often the easy part. Knowing what to say next is where most of us freeze. It doesn't need to be perfect - it just needs to be real.

What it is

Men are statistically less likely to seek help for mental health struggles, which makes friends, colleagues and family members an important part of the support network. A conversation with a mate who is struggling isn't about fixing everything - it's about opening a door and letting him know he doesn't have to carry it alone.

Signs to notice

• Withdrawing from usual plans or going quiet on messages
• Changes in mood, energy, or humour that feel out of character
• Increased drinking or other risky behaviour
• Talking about being a burden, feeling trapped, or having no way out
• Giving away possessions or tying up loose ends
• Neglecting work, appearance, or things he usually cares about

What helps

• Pick a low-pressure setting. A walk, a drive, or time doing something together often makes it easier to talk than sitting face to face.
• Ask directly and simply. "You haven't seemed like yourself lately - how are you really doing?" opens more doors than "you okay?"
• Listen without rushing to fix it. Resist the urge to offer solutions immediately. Let him talk.
• Don't be afraid to ask about suicide directly. If you're worried, ask plainly: "Are you having thoughts of ending your life?" This does not plant the idea - it gives him permission to be honest, and shows you can handle the answer.
• Stay in touch. One conversation is a start, not a fix. A follow-up message a few days later shows you meant it.
• Offer to help him take the next step. Sometimes the hardest part is making the first call. Offer to sit with him while he does, or go with him to an appointment.
• Know your own limits. You're a friend, not a therapist. Supporting someone doesn't mean carrying their crisis alone.

When to reach out for help

If your friend talks about wanting to die, feeling hopeless, or having no reason to live, take it seriously every time. Encourage him to contact a professional or a crisis line, and if you believe he is in immediate danger, do not leave him alone - contact emergency services or get him to a safe place.

Getting help in South Africa

Your friend can speak confidentially to a Cleared Mind EAP counsellor, or contact the SADAG Mental Health Line on 011 234 4837. If you're supporting someone in crisis, you can also call the SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline together.

---

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, reach out now. SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline (24h): 0800 567 567 or SMS 31393. SAPS 10111, ambulance 10177, GBV Command Centre 0800 428 428.