Supporting a grieving colleague

When a colleague loses someone, most of us want to help but worry about saying the wrong thing. Here's how to show up well.

What it is

Supporting a grieving colleague isn't about having perfect words. It's about showing up consistently, with patience, and without expecting them to "move on" quickly. Small, sincere gestures often mean more than grand ones, and what someone needs can shift from one week to the next, so ongoing kindness matters more than a single gesture at the start.

Signs to notice

• They seem distracted, withdrawn or unusually quiet
• Their performance or timekeeping has changed recently
• They avoid talking about their loss, or shut down when it comes up
• They seem fine one day and struggle the next - this is normal in grief
• They may return to work sooner than expected, wanting distraction, or need more time away than expected
• They may become tearful at unexpected moments, such as during routine meetings

What helps

• Say something simple and sincere, such as "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "I'm thinking of you" - you don't need the perfect words
• Ask how they'd like to be supported, rather than assuming
• Offer practical help, such as covering a task, sitting with them, or simply checking in without pressure to talk
• Avoid comparing losses or offering unsolicited advice about how they "should" be grieving
• Keep checking in beyond the first week or two. Support often falls away just as grief becomes harder
• Respect their pace - some people want to talk, others want normality and routine
• If you're a manager, familiarise yourself with your organisation's bereavement policy so you can support fairly and consistently
• Avoid phrases that minimise loss, such as "everything happens for a reason" - a quiet, honest acknowledgement usually means more
• Include them in team activities without pressuring them to participate fully - a standing invitation is often more welcome than a big gesture

When to reach out for help

If your colleague seems unable to function for an extended period, mentions feeling hopeless, or you're concerned about their safety, gently encourage them to speak to a professional, and let them know your EAP is a confidential, judgement-free place to start. You don't need to fix things yourself, and you don't need to know all the answers to be a good support.

Getting help in South Africa

Cleared Mind's EAP counsellors are available to support employees confidentially, and managers can also access guidance on supporting a grieving team member. Colleagues can also share SADAG's Mental Health Line (011 234 4837) as an additional resource if someone needs support outside of work hours.