Losing a parent

Losing a parent, whatever your age and whatever your relationship with them, is a significant loss that can shift your sense of history, identity and place in the world. However this loss feels for you, it is worth taking seriously.

What it is

The death of a parent often brings grief for the relationship itself, alongside grief for a link to your own past, childhood and family history. For some, it also means becoming the "older generation" in the family for the first time. Grief can be complicated further if the relationship with the parent was difficult, distant or unresolved - in these cases, people often grieve not only the parent, but also the relationship they wished they had, or the possibility of repair that is now closed. There is no single right way to feel after losing a parent, whether that is profound sadness, relief, guilt, or a complicated mixture of all three.

Signs to notice

• Grief that surfaces unexpectedly around family events, milestones or ordinary reminders of the parent
• A shifted sense of identity or responsibility, especially if you are now the eldest generation in your family
• Guilt or confusion if your feelings do not match what you expected to feel, particularly after a difficult relationship
• Increased worry about your own mortality or health after a parent's death
• Strain in family relationships, especially around caregiving history, estate matters or old family dynamics
• Withdrawing from others or from usual routines and responsibilities

What helps

• Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up, including complicated or conflicting emotions
• Talk to someone you trust about the relationship you had, not only the loss itself
• Keep space for family history and memory in ways that feel meaningful to you
• Be mindful of family dynamics around estate or caregiving matters, and seek mediation or professional support if conflict arises
• Maintain basic routines around sleep, food and movement, especially in the early weeks
• Consider a grief support group, particularly if you are processing a complicated or difficult relationship with the parent who died

When to reach out for help

Reach out to a professional if grief feels unmanageable, if guilt or unresolved feelings about the relationship are difficult to carry alone, if family conflict around the loss is significant, or if you have any thoughts of harming yourself. A professional can help you make sense of a complex loss at your own pace.

Getting help in South Africa

Cleared Mind's EAP counsellors are available to support you through the loss of a parent, including complicated grief linked to difficult family relationships. SADAG's Mental Health Line is available on 011 234 4837 for further support and referrals.