How Divorce May Affect Children

If you are divorcing and you have children, you are probably lying awake wondering if you are damaging them. That worry shows how much you care. Divorce is hard on children, but research and experience show that how the adults handle it matters far more than the divorce itself.

What is happening

Children do not experience divorce as a legal process. They experience it as changes: one parent moving out, a new home, less money, tension between the two people they love most. Many children feel sad, angry, anxious or confused. Some blame themselves, even if nobody said it was their fault. Younger children may become clingy or go back to earlier behaviour, like bedwetting. Older children and teenagers may withdraw, act out, or try to take care of a parent.

South African law puts children first. The Children's Act 38 of 2005 says that in every matter about a child, the child's best interests are the most important consideration. Children also have a right to be heard in decisions that affect them, in a way that suits their age and maturity. In a divorce, the court will not grant the order until it is satisfied that the arrangements for the children are acceptable. The Office of the Family Advocate may interview both parents, and sometimes the children, and make recommendations.

What helps most is stability, a predictable routine, and both parents staying involved where this is safe. What harms most is ongoing, open conflict, especially when children are used as messengers, spies or bargaining chips.

Signs to notice

• Changes in sleep, eating or school performance
• A child who suddenly seems too grown up, looking after a parent
• Anger, tearfulness or clinginess at handovers
• Refusing to visit one parent, or being very upset afterwards
• Saying things like "It is my fault" or "If I behave, you will get back together"
• Withdrawal from friends, sport or things they used to enjoy

30-second self-check

Answer yes or no to each question.

• Do the children hear you and the other parent arguing about the divorce?
• Have you shared adult details, like money or blame, with the children?
• Do the children pass messages between you and the other parent?
• Have the children's routines changed a lot in the last few months?
• Have you noticed any of the signs above lasting more than a few weeks?
• Do you feel too overwhelmed to give the children the attention they need?
• Is there a child who seems to be taking care of you or a sibling?

0-1 yes: You are protecting the children well. Keep routines steady and keep talking with them.
2-3 yes: Some strain is showing. Small changes, like handling conflict away from the children, can help a lot.
4 or more yes: The children may need extra support. It is worth speaking to a counsellor, psychologist or social worker.

What you can do next

• Today: Agree with yourself that you will not argue or talk badly about the other parent in front of the children.
• This week: If you have not yet told the children, plan it together with the other parent if you can. Keep it simple, honest and age-appropriate: "This is a grown-up decision. It is not your fault. We both love you."
• This month: Put a basic routine in writing: where the children sleep, school runs, contact times. Look at our parenting plan article for help.
• Let children love both parents. Do not ask them to choose sides.
• Tell teachers what is happening so they can watch for changes.
• Get support for yourself, because a steadier parent helps a steadier child.

Your tool

Co-Parenting Readiness Check - a private check that shows how well you and the other parent are managing communication, routines and conflict, with practical next steps for the children.

When to get professional help

If a child's distress lasts for weeks, affects school, or includes talk of self-harm, get professional help for them. If a child says they want to hurt themselves, or you believe a child is being harmed, act the same day. If you are in danger right now, call SAPS on 10111. Childline is available on 116 for children who need someone to talk to.

Who can help: child psychologist, social worker, counsellor, accredited family mediator, family law attorney

Getting help in South Africa

The Office of the Family Advocate (justice.gov.za) looks after children's interests in divorce. Childline (116) supports children and parents. The Department of Social Development and registered child welfare organisations offer social work support. Legal Aid SA (legal-aid.co.za) can help qualifying parents with family matters. Through the Cleared Mind Careline, 0800 212 146, you can reach counselling for yourself and, where your benefit allows, for your children.