Caring for Ageing Parents

Your mother is forgetting things, your father can no longer drive, or a parent has moved in after a stroke. You may be juggling work, your own children and their care, with siblings who help less than you hoped. Feeling tired, sad, guilty or even resentful is common for caregivers, and it does not mean you love them less.

What is happening

In many South African families, caring for elders at home is expected and deeply valued. Children, especially daughters and daughters-in-law, often take on this role without much discussion. It can be meaningful, and it can also slowly wear down your health, money and relationships.

Caregiver strain is well known. It often includes lost sleep, missed work, money spent on medicine, transport and nappies, and little time for yourself. Caring for someone with dementia can be especially hard because the person may not recognise you or may become confused or aggressive.

There are practical supports. Older people who qualify can receive the Older Person's Grant from SASSA, and a grant-in-aid may be available if they need full-time care. The Older Persons Act protects older people from abuse and neglect. It also helps to plan early for legal matters, such as a will and who will make decisions if your parent can no longer do so, with the help of an attorney.

Signs to notice

• You feel tired all the time, even on days off.
• You are missing work or struggling to concentrate.
• Siblings or relatives are not sharing the load.
• You feel guilty when you take time for yourself.
• Your own health check-ups keep getting postponed.
• You sometimes feel angry or impatient with your parent, then guilty.

30-second self-check

Answer yes or no. Go with your first honest answer.

• Do I feel I do not have enough time for myself?
• Do I feel stressed trying to balance caring with work and family?
• Is my own health suffering?
• Is caring costing more money than I can afford?
• Do I feel alone in this, with little help from others?
• Do I sometimes feel I might lose my temper with my parent?

0-1 yes: You are coping, for now. Keep looking after your own health.
2-3 yes: Caring is taking a toll. Share tasks and look for outside support.
4 or more yes: You may be close to burnout. Please get support for yourself, and look at more help for your parent.

What you can do next

• Today: Rest for 20 minutes, even if something is left undone. Write down all caring tasks you do in a typical week.
• This week: Call a family meeting with siblings and relatives. Share the list and ask each person for a specific task, including money, visits or respite weekends.
• This month: Check grants and services your parent may qualify for, such as the Older Person's Grant or grant-in-aid, and ask the clinic about home-based care. Speak to an attorney about a will and future decision-making. Book your own health check.

Your tool

Caregiver Burden Check - a short private check, based on a well-known caregiver burden measure, that shows how much strain you are carrying and what support fits.

When to get professional help

Get help if you feel exhausted or hopeless, if your own health is suffering, or if you ever feel you might hurt your parent or have seen signs of abuse by anyone. Caregivers need care too. A social worker can help plan care, and a counsellor can support you.
Who can help: Social worker, registered counsellor, psychologist, doctor, nurse, home-based care provider, estates attorney

Getting help in South Africa

SASSA (sassa.gov.za) handles the Older Person's Grant and grant-in-aid. The Department of Social Development (dsd.gov.za) funds community care and older persons' services. ADASA, the Association for Dementia and Alzheimer's of South Africa (adasa.org.za) supports families living with dementia. The Cleared Mind 24-hour Careline on 0800 212 146 offers counselling for caregivers. Suspected abuse of an older person can be reported to SAPS on 10111 or a social worker.